


Wee Hairy Beastie

by kathkin



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Gen, Male-Female Friendship, for such a silly fic writing this sure did make my skin crawl, space dorks in space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 06:58:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3347825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathkin/pseuds/kathkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jamie and Zoe are exploring an abandoned house when they come across a terrifying hairy beastie! Did I say hairy beastie? I meant spider. They come across a spider. In which Zoe exploits Jamie's sense of chivalry, Jamie is scared of spiders, and the Doctor is very enthusiastic about the local flora.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wee Hairy Beastie

“This is pointless,” Zoe said from the next room. “There’s nothing _here_.”

“It’s always worth looking around,” said Jamie, which was exactly what the Doctor had said when Zoe had first protested was clearly abandoned. She scoffed, and he heard her feet stomp across the ancient floorboards.

He drew aside the faded curtain and peered out at the grey moorland. There were no other buildings in sight; a road, on the other side of the house, but it was choked with weeds and bushes. The house was empty, stripped of all its furniture save for a few stray chairs and a rusting bedstead. But the Doctor had insisted Jamie and Zoe poke around upstairs, because, well, you never know.

There was a door set into the opposite wall. Jamie opened it, and found a shadowy cupboard. He switched on his torch and shone it about inside, finding nothing but cobwebs. “Found anything interesting?”

“Yes,” Zoe called back. “I found a fascinating stain on the wall. It’s shaped a bit like the Sea of Tranquillity –” She broke off with a loud, terrified squeal. Jamie let the cupboard door bang shut and raced through into the other room, his heart leaping in his chest.

Zoe was standing in the middle of the floor with her hand clasped over her mouth. He cast about wildly for the source of her terror, but the room was empty. “What’s wrong?” She nodded mutely at the closed door. Jamie looked, and then looked more closely. When he saw it, he leapt back with a startled yelp.

_It_ being a black, fist-sized spider, clinging to the door a little below the tarnished handle. For a few heartbeats, he stared at its thick, hairy legs in mute horror. Zoe breathed, “it’s _huge_.”

“I’ve seen bigger,” said Jamie, which was true, for he’d seen spiders as big as dogs once. He hadn’t much liked them either.

“Do something!” Zoe hissed.

Jamie kept his eyes fixed on the spider, lest it move out of sight. “Why do I have to do something?” he said. “ _You_ do something.”

Zoe shot him a biting look. “Don’t tell me you’re afraid of spiders.”

“Och, you can’t judge,” said Jamie. “You screamed like a little girl.”

“So did you!” Zoe protested.

“I did not!” Jamie said. Zoe scoffed. “I did _not_.” She fixed him with a hard stare. “I might have made a sort of – manly grunt.”

“You _squealed_ ,” said Zoe. “And _someone_ has to deal with it. How are we going to get out?”

She was right. The other room, the one Jamie had been checking, didn’t open onto the landing. The door the spider had taken up residence upon was the only way back to the stairs. Jamie thought wildly of climbing out the window, then shook himself. “Och, don’t be silly,” he said. “It’s no’ like it’s blocking the way. We can just walk past it.”

“Alright,” said Zoe. She motioned for Jamie to lead the way.

Jamie rolled his eyes and took half a step forward. The floorboard _creaked_ loudly, and the sound or the vibration must have unsettled the spider, for it juddered into motion, scrambling about in a circle and then climbing up – up – onto the latch. Jamie watched it re-settle itself in dismay. “ _Now_ what?”

“I don’t know,” said Zoe, her voice quavering.

“We could go out the window,” said Jamie.

“I’ll see if there’s anything to climb down,” said Zoe. “You keep an eye on it.” She edged backwards, leaving Jamie to continue his staring contest with the spider’s horrible hairy legs. She edged back a moment later. “It’s just a flat wall.”

For a few seconds, they were silent, both pathetically at a loss. At length, Jamie said, “you know, the Doctor’s just downstairs. We could call for help.”

“What, and tell him we’re both too scared to deal with one little spider?” said Zoe. “No, thank you.”

“It’s no’ little!” said Jamie. “Look at the size of it.”

“It is a big one,” Zoe agreed, then shook herself. “Oh, you know what I mean. It’s little compared to _us_.”

“Aye,” Jamie agreed. “We ought to be able to handle one wee spider between us.”

“I mean, we’ve fought cybermen,” said Zoe. “ _And_ daleks. It’s just a spider.”

“Aye,” said Jamie, nodding sagely.

Neither of them moved. Then Zoe said, “ _you_ handle it.”

“Me?” said Jamie, taking his eyes off the spider to give her an incredulous look. “Why do _I_ have to handle it?”

“I thought you liked doing that sort of thing!” said Zoe. “You know. Being the gentleman. Saving the day. Oh, _please_ handle it.” She looked at him, desperately sweet and sweetly manipulative.

Jamie looked from Zoe to the spider, from the spider to Zoe. He knew what she was trying to do, and it was almost working. “Och, you stop that.”

“I see chivalry has its limits,” said Zoe, dropping the sweet tone, instead sounding clipped and irritable.

“Alright, _fine_ ,” Jamie snapped. He steeled himself, rolling his shoulders in preparation. “I’ll do it. I’ll kill it.” 

Before he could take more than a single step forward, Zoe grabbed his sleeve and held him back. “Don’t _kill_ it!” she wailed.

“What do you mean, don’t kill it?” said Jamie.

“It’s not _its_ fault it’s a horrible hairy spider,” said Zoe. “It’s not like it’s _hurting_ us.”

Jamie snatched his arm out of her grip. “What am I supposed to do, then?”

“Put it out the window?” Zoe suggested.

Jamie thought of touching it, and shuddered. “You’re the one who doesn’t want to kill it. You put it out the window.”

“I can’t pick it up!” Zoe protested. “It’s bigger than my hand, see?” She held out a trembling hand by way of demonstration. “I couldn’t possibly pick it up!”

She had a point. And besides, it was his job to do this sort of thing, wasn’t it? It was Zoe’s job to do the thinking and the science and his job to deal with the horrible hairy beasties, even if they were only wee horrible hairy beasties. What was he for, otherwise? He took a deep breath. “Alright. I’ll grab it, you hold the window open.”

“Agreed.” Zoe darted to the window before he could change his mind.

He edged forward, trying not to make the floorboards creak lest it move again. Mercifully, it stayed still upon the latch till he was within grabbing distance. “Is the window open?”

“Yes,” said Zoe. He heard the latch creak.

“Here goes,” he said, and made a desperate grab for the spider.

He got it in two snatches, clapped his hands around it and charged across the room to the window, the spider squirming between his palms. He flung it outside. Zoe slammed the window shut.

“ _Eurgh_ ,” he said, shaking his hands to rid himself of the residual tickling. “Next time, you grab it and I’ll hold the window.”

“Agreed,” said Zoe. She let out a breathless laugh of relief. “That was _horrid_.”

“Agreed,” said Jamie. He wiped his hands on his kilt.

“I suppose that’s the most excitement we’re going to get today,” she said, morose. 

Before Jamie could answer, there was a clatter of footsteps upon the stairs and the now spiderless door swung open. The Doctor appeared in the doorway. “What was all that clattering about?” he said.

Jamie and Zoe exchanged a looked. “Nothing,” said Jamie.

“Nothing at all,” said Zoe.

The Doctor was looking incredulous. Jamie gestured at the opposite wall. “Zoe found an interesting stain that looks like the sea of – of –”

“The Sea of Tranquillity,” said Zoe. “Oh! And Jamie found a bedstead.”

“That I did,” said Jamie.

The Doctor looked at the stain, which didn’t look like any kind of sea to Jamie, then at their innocent faces, then shook his head. “Oh, have it your way. Anyone fancy a walk? It’s quite nice out.”

“I thought you’d never ask,” said Zoe. “We’ve been bored rigid.”

“Aye,” said Jamie. Not that the prospect of a walk thrilled him. If it was up to him they’d go back to the TARDIS and try again. He wasn’t at all sure there was anywhere worth walking to, and he said so.

“There’s always somewhere,” said the Doctor. “Come along, then.” He turned on his heel and left the room. By the time he reached the stairs, he was already blathering on about the local flora.

“Thanks for dealing with it,” said Zoe quietly as they followed after him.

“Och, I’m no’ doing it again,” said Jamie. “I mean it.”

“Chivalry is truly dead,” said Zoe with a mock sigh.

“And buried,” said Jamie. He nudged her. “C’mon. Let’s catch him up.”


End file.
